About Critical Loot Co.
Where Fortune Favors the Smart (and the Well-Equipped)
Well, Well, Well...
Awright, awright, come on in, pal. Pull up a chair, grab yourself a drink, and lemme tell youse a little story 'bout how a certain green-skinned genius — yours truly — turned a love for dice, deals, and destiny into da realm's most legendary loot emporium, see?
Da name's Baron Profitmaker. Yeah, dat Baron Profitmaker.
And dis? Dis right here is Critical Loot Co.
Youse gonna wanna hear dis one, kid. Trust me.
Da Origin Story
(Now With 60% More Explosions, No Extra Charge)
Lemme take youse back to Kezan — youse know da place, right? Dat goblin island where "early retirement" means ya either made it big or got blown up tryin'. Real friendly joint, if ya catch my drift.
So dere I was, see? Knee-deep in trade routes, shady contracts, and more "creative accounting" than da Tax Cartel could shake a wrench at, capisce? Gold was flowin' like bootleg hooch at a speak-easy. Da operation? Smoother than a greased rocket-boot.
But here's da ting, champ: I was bored outta my skull.
What We're All About
(Besides Gold, Obviously — But Also Gold)
Our Philosophy
(Or as I Call It: "Da Rules of da Game")
Quality Over Quantity
Youse think I'd put my good name on cheap junk? Fuhgeddaboudit! I got a reputation to maintain here, see? Da Baron don't do shoddy.
Story In Every Roll
Every item we sell's got a tale behind it, pal. Maybe not always a legal one, but a GOOD one. Da kinda story ya tell at da tavern and everybody buys ya a round, ya know what I'm sayin'?
Community First
Adventurers, collectors, strategists, storytellers — youse ain't just customers to me, see? You're da Critical Loot Guild. And da Guild? Da Guild gets RESPECT. Dat's da code, capisce?
Why Trust a Goblin?
(Fair Question, Actually. Real Fair.)
Every purchase is a crit. Every item is a story. Every adventurer deserves their loot.
Join Da Guild
(Youse Know Ya Wanna)
Roll wit' us.
Invest in quality, not garbage.
Chase dose natural 20s like your life depends on it.
And remember — luck's for amateurs. Profit's for professionals.
Baron Profitmaker
Founder, Chief Loot Officer, and Occasional Menace to Society
(Da Good Kind of Menace, Though)